Late night

I roll over and stare at the ceiling and stare at this beautiful girl next to me and wonder to myself.

Why the fuck did you just do that?

This girl is a queen and deserves everything in the world and more but I couldn't get your face out of my head. I kissed her neck and heard your voice, I locked into her fingers and heard you laughing at me, laughing at the fact no matter how far you are, you're right here, inside my head.

She plants a kiss on me and leaves, not knowing that I was never really there. I pick up my phone and I go through the names till I land on yours. I hear your voice and I melt. Everything makes sense, I see the world in colour and can't understand why you're not here.

"George, why are you calling me? It's 3 in the morning."

"I need to talk to you"

"George, we've done this 100 times."

"Yeah, but I needed to hear your voice,"

"You know you can't keep doing this right?"

"I know, I know but couldn't we just start again?"

"George, you know how I feel"

"but we could change, I can change"

"It's too late, I can't, George, I can't"

"George? George? You there?"

I try but I can't say anything. I was naive and hoping my voice would make her change her mind. She still hasn't and will she ever?

"George, I still love you,"

My heart skips a beat,

"but I can't be with you

and gravity hits, as everything sinks into my bed, swallowed by the sheets.

I stare at the ceiling and think to myself.

Why the fuck did I do that?

Post cards

For over a month, I had been dating this girl. Things were going well, at least in my mind. She would be the highlight of my week and she would say the same to me. I wasn't head over heels at first but she had won me over and after the previous run-ins with the opposite sex, this was rare for me. I was usually so cautious, so pessimistic about any form of romance working for me but this seemed like it could work.  Friends would ask to meet her but I would brush it off because I was scared of fucking everything up, I was fucking terrified.  I always fuck things up but none of this mattered though because she was still with me and that had to mean something right?
I knocked on her door and her friend had opened it, smiled at me and told me she was upstairs. I walked up the 15 steps and knocked on the door 3 times before pushing it open. She was sitting their, beautiful as always but something was different.
I sat beside her, staring at her face, looking for an trace of joy and I found it. I saw it in her eyes and watched her lips curve like a scimitar, forming a perfect deadly smile.
The joy, this time, wasn't created from her fondness of me because she didn't plant her kisses onto me or lock her fingers into the spaces between mine. She didn't hold me in her embrace, instead she held a postcard.

She looked up and the smile disappeared. All I saw now were tears.

Modern Day Romance

Dear readers,

Recently, I've been meeting lots of new people on dates and such. One in particular struck me because she had an infatuation with her phone, with her friends elsewhere and herself, instead of someone real in front of her. Some might say that it was my fault, I didn't entertain her enough, I didn't engage with her and make her feel the need to break away from that phone, which may be true but bear with me here.

In a world where everything is merely a button press away, people are more engaged with their phones, computers and tablets than they are with actual people. They are more interested in their online personas, with likes becoming a countable noun and the obsession of creating a cohort of followers to out rival Jesus. This is all fine if it eats up 10-15 minutes of your day but when you can't eat a meal without someone picking up a phone to check if they've been loved, it creates a bleak picture of what being social means.

Yes, you could argue that you are being social because you're connecting with your friends but this creates the issues of social disconnection in real life. It's weird because we're blessed with such amazing technology but it's used in such a bizarre way (not always bad). Maybe we need to take a step back and re-assess what being social is and stop being so obsessed with the modern day romance with our phones.

Much love x

Arcadia

Arcadia is a word that refers to a version of an utopia. Arcadia is a utopia that focuses with  nature, it’s beauty and the lack of corruption that is so clearly seen today. It’s regarded to be impossible to achieve and most importantly, lost.

Why am I rambling on about this?

Love.

My theory is that every couple looks for Arcadia in their loved ones. It starts off innocently and christ, isn’t she beautiful. Progression is fantastic because all you want to do is be with her. Life is wonderful, perfect in fact. The problem is, this isn’t a world made for two, it’s made from a million other factors that alter your course and utopia is merely an idea. Some people make it and attain the impossible,  achieving their version of utopia, whilst others wonder what they could have done to fix and preserve it. For those in the latter category, maybe that too is lost, just like Arcadia.

On to the next one.